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The Older Crowd
I have no idea who put this together, but, it's wonderful!!
Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,
For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.
We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.
We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.
We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.
  
Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.
We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.
We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin , or Marilyn Monroe
For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.
And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.
And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.
Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.
And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions
in the Land That Made Me, Me.
There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda , and cats were not called Bill.
And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.
But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.
So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.
AND NOW: For those of you too young to remember
Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents!!!
And thanks for the memories............
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folks
Red Skelton
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I'M ONLY MATURE
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Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors' Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you Seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand - I'm not old - I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer - can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
And my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray....saying "blond" is just right.
My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet some kids yell, "Old duffer...get off the road!"
My car has no scratches...not even a dent,
Still I get all this stuff from a punk who's "Hell bent."
My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines" not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old....just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take all your breath away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I'm keeping up with what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,
I'M NOT REALLY OLD....I'M ONLY MATURE!
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Are we a part of
THE OLDER CROWD?
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'
***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife....'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
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The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
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Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
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First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper
It's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
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Long ago
when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old guys
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going.'
The second old guy says,
'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well,
maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'
*** ******************
'Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
and, Your other hand over my mouth!
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